I haven’t written in so long. I don’t think I even bothered opening up this blog of mine during the longest Christmas Break of my life. My (lame) excuse is: I’ve been so caught up with so many things in life, living day to day, minute by passing minute. I never really took some time to reflect and collect my thoughts in one area, one post, one page; typed or hand written. But today I realized, my thoughts and day dreams are piling up, I need an outlet.
Here I am, writing again, literally in the middle of the day (more or less… it is 11:55 AM), thinking about all the “what if” and the “if only” that have been crossing my mind lately. I experience sudden spurs of jitteriness, and anxiety, trying to mentally over come the tears at the brim of my eyes from running down throughout the day. (Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. I’ve just been thinking a lot. Hence, this sudden need of an outlet). It’s quite exhausting having to put up a happy and “I got my sh*t together” facade, because the rational and logical Shaira Marquez knows that there’s no point for tears and feelings of anxiety. Rational and Logical Shaira knows that it’s best to just live life as it is and be happy with what you have. That version of myself knows that I can actually get through whatever obstacles may come my way.
Is it normal to feel a lot of uncertainty amidst a future that could be full of certainty? It sounds quite oxymoronic but let me give you a little bit of context: After college, I have this opportunity back home to manage a brand new business, a business I could find myself passionate about in many ways. But I fear that it is too certain, too stagnant. I know for a fact that I would get security out of it. I’m lucky that way, and I have no one else to thank for but my hard working parents. In fact, for other people, this dilemma seems nothing but a no brainer because it’s easily what a regular person would and should choose, but here I am, still not satisfied and still in search for more. There’s this deeper desire from within me to seek something more.
I have this other option: to stay here in Manila. I know staying would mean I get to explore myself, explore some possibilities. I see self growth if i stayed. In Manila, I’d be able to experience more even if it would include failures and hardships as well.