I need an outlet

I haven’t written in so long. I don’t think I even bothered opening up this blog of mine during the longest Christmas Break of my life. My (lame) excuse is: I’ve been so caught up with so many things in life, living day to day, minute by passing minute. I never really took some time to reflect and collect my thoughts in one area, one post, one page; typed or hand written. But today I realized, my thoughts and day dreams are piling up, I need an outlet

Here I am, writing again, literally in the middle of the day (more or less… it is 11:55 AM), thinking about all the “what if” and the “if only” that have been crossing my mind lately. I experience sudden spurs of jitteriness, and anxiety, trying to mentally over come the tears at the brim of my eyes from running down throughout the day. (Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. I’ve just been thinking a lot. Hence, this sudden need of an outlet).  It’s quite exhausting having to put up a happy and “I got my sh*t together” facade, because the rational and logical Shaira Marquez knows that there’s no point for tears and feelings of anxiety. Rational and Logical Shaira knows that it’s best to just live life as it is and be happy with what you have. That version of myself knows that I can actually get through whatever obstacles may come my way. 

Is it normal to feel a lot of uncertainty amidst a future that could be full of certainty? It sounds quite oxymoronic but let me give you a little bit of context: After college, I have this opportunity back home to manage a brand new business, a business I could find myself passionate about in many ways. But I fear that it is too certain, too stagnant.  I know for a fact that I would get security out of it. I’m lucky that way, and I have no one else to thank for but my hard working parents. In fact, for other people, this dilemma seems nothing but a no brainer  because it’s easily what a regular person would and should choose, but here I am, still not satisfied and still in search for more. There’s this deeper desire from within me to seek something more. 

I have this other option: to stay here in Manila. I know staying would mean I get to explore myself, explore some possibilities. I see self growth if i stayed. In Manila, I’d be able to experience more even if it would include failures and hardships as well.  

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learning patience.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 presetCan I say I’ve nailed “patience”?
I wish I could say YES.

A semester of experiences dealing with different kinds of people, personalities and instances in group projects, work, orgs, etc., could make you feel either two things: delighted with getting through the past 6 months without having a mental break down, or disappointed from realizing that maybe I can never be patient after all.

Truly, it was tested this semester, especially ever since I got a car here in Manila. Driving through rush hour traffic on the 15th day of the month, 7 PM at night and in EDSA will definitely press your “buttons”. My nerves were tested to their limit. But then again, you really have to put things into perspective and realize that traffic is really nothing compared to the different personalities I everyone faces every single day.

I have to admit, I can say that I did fail several times this month. My patience broke down quite a few times. Reflecting on the last few months, I realized that there are a few instances where I would say that I wish I acted better, I wish I didn’t react at all, I wish I never did that and I wish I never said that. However, one thing I realized as well is that learning patience is necessary and as important for getting by every single day facing me only to some extent.  Sometimes you can’t just be that person absorbent to whatever it is that may be irritating, annoying and unproductive. You have to react accordingly.

At this point in time, I can’t tell you I’ve nailed patience down to its very core because I know for a fact that there are others who would consider my reactions to certain factors that really test me as unnecessary and clearly a sign of no patience at all. But I guess one thing I could say though is that the past few months allowed me to explore the depth of my patience (if that even makes sense).

In a more colloquial language, I now know the level of BS I can tolerate and I now know how I tend to respond to BS. I am quite delighted.

Perhaps this is a skill I can put on my resumé? I kid. But hey, I truly believe its something that could help me get by in the coming future.

 

 

 

Happy Living No. 2

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Amidst this afternoon’s traffic (yes, it’s that payday on a Friday kind of traffic), I still managed to get things done. In approach of midterms week and in the center of all stress and pressure, I still find the joy and pleasure to actually live life.  Below are a list of happy things I can still manage to do to give me those little sparks of joy:

  1. Sweets – I have a sweet tooth and even if it’s not the best things in the world for me, it definitely calms me down and relieves me temporarily of any stress.  Although I made it a goal to not exceed one dessert per day, it’s really that one dessert I look forward to. Limiting myself to just one sweet thing per day makes it all the more better.
  2. Working out – I love how it’s become a need. I am not addicted to the gym, I just want to get that out of the way.You won’t see me with swelling arms and legs and abs for days any time soon. I just love the feeling of sweating it all out (whatever ‘it’ may be: problems, last night’s alcohol, stress etc.) but I most especially love the feeling after. That feeling of accomplishment after a level of struggle.
  3. Goodmornings and Goodnights – It’s starting the day and ending it right that really gets me going. When you are greeted by your loved ones in the morning and close your day with a “sweet dreams” from them, you feel as if your worries can be wrapped up neatly and put aside when need be. Because of them, I feel warm and joy.
  4. Writing – As weird as it may sound, expressing my thoughts down in writing relieves me from the overflow of thoughts that fill my brain throughout the day. I express my feelings, my encounters, my worries, my imaginations, etc. Despite probably having several grammar errors here and there, the very act of writing is therapeutic. I feel like I can express myself better in writing than in speaking.
  5. Coffee – How can I not mention this? This may be a broken record for any coffee lover but coffee is my fuel. I tend to have headaches with out it. Perhaps it’s all psychological but having an Iced Latte beside me while I work in the middle of one of those “all nighter” nights motivates me to become more productive.

Happy Living No. 1

Let’s get a little personal.

About a year ago, I got really sick. I was what the doctors called a “TB Suspect” or in other words, doctors thought I may have had Tuberculosis, which is a very contagious disease in the lungs that would take months to cure. Thankfully, what caused the sharp pains in my chest and drowning feeling every day and night just so happened to be pneumonia which is half as bad only.

I mention this because during the month I was sick, I lost a lot of weight. For a 5 foot 4 inches girl, weighing 104 lbs was extremely under weight. I wasn’t anorexic or anything however, I did look sick with eyes as deep as caves, hair fall doubled in quantity and I was just pale and dull most of the time. My stomach seemed bloated despite being extremely skinny every where else and my period became irregular. Basically, my body wasn’t functioning right, even after I recovered from my illness.

I started to become more conscious with the way I looked because clothes didn’t fit me well and I’ve been getting the “you look too skinny, borderline sickly looking” lines from friends and family. I was fed up and food alone didn’t seem to do the trick.

Thankfully, a friend of mine introduced to me a new exercise regime called HIIT or High Intensity Interval Training. These are thirty minute work outs that can be done at the gym or even at home. I saw drastic results with in a month’s time and that motivated me even more. I did HIIT for about 8 weeks at least 2-3 times a week, but moved on to doing regular exercises in the gym, assisted by a very close friend of mine who has been a gym buff for a while now.

This may not be the only reason why I gained more of the right kind of mass. Perhaps my diet and metabolism also played a big role. However, this HIIT that I was introduced to jumpstarted my drive to actually care for my body both internally and externally. Currently I am 110 lbs, still under weight but at least feeling a lot healthierand more confident with my body.

 

I’d love to talk about my diet and fitness exercises, but that’s for another post.

 

Stuck

It is currently 1:29 am and I feel exhausted, physically. Three roommates of mine are fast asleep in the comfort of their blankets and pillows. He already said goodnight. So now it’s just my thoughts and I.

“Stuck”.

That’s actually the first word I thought to somewhat describe and capture what I’m thinking of right now. I have all these ideas, all these plans I want to do. I have projects in  mind, both profitable and creative.  I see all these people I know of online, doing something with their lives. Opening up businesses, travelling, trying something new. Honestly, I see a world as my canvas, waiting for me to paint on.

Yet here I am sitting on my chair, facing this white screen filled with words and words, not being able to move. Simply stuck.

It’s a pleasant thought to think that “tomorrow is a new day”, meaning, tomorrow I can start new things. I say this to myself every night, yet every time, I’m stuck in this same position with the same thoughts.

I’m sure I’m not the only one going through these thoughts every night but I sure feel like I’m the only one especially right now with everyone else asleep, with just my thoughts and I. I want to move forward, but I still feel stuck.

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An Open Letter

I grew up looking up to you, both literally and figuratively because you were always this 6 ft- tall, broad shouldered man. You are the foundation of this family everyone would want to sit down and have coffee with at 8PM in the evening, right before dinner.

I envy the respect people have for you. You are bold. You are strong and intuitive.  You are responsible and witty. You are scary and stern but who you are as a husband, father, friend and grandpa makes up for it. All these traits of yours I admire so much, even as a woman.

You are witty and corny most of the time really, but you give the warmest smile in the world. You have your own discrete and subtle way of showing your affection for anyone, and it is very much noticed.  I am just happy to have you as my grandfather.

You are currently the strongest person I know right now and I hope to gain all the strength you show everyone one day.

Continue staying strong Angkong.

Love you x

Construction

When you find yourself overlooking a construction site, you think: unfinished or  incomplete. But construction is a process. It’s that liminal state. The state between nothing and something. The state between zero and one. The state between non-exitent and existing.

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There’s a part of me that thinks that this is actually not  a good thing. I see many my age either doing great things already or knowing what they are meant to do in this world, but I guess I’m still under construction, which to me means, I haven’t determined where I want to be in life and what I want to do in life. I have a list and I fail to narrow it down to just one thing. I am at a state of liminality. A state where I am currently in the process of self discovery. A state where I am building an identity and a mark in this world (hopefully, I am crossing my fingers). I am not nothing but I have still yet to be something.

x